CD20

So, after my exciting day yeserday.. I don't have much to say compared to then. I'm waiting now til the days I start my progesterone suppositories, Friday ~ Jan 1st. Well, it's like a new day for me! New Year - New Day!

CD19

CD19-Bingo Bango! Sweet!I got a positive today. I kind of was getting that feeling yesterday. I felt crampy last night. I seem to always get cramps during ovulation. Obviously, not as bad as mentral cramps but I know that they are still there. The lines were starting to show up fast today. So, I let it sit the "recommended" five minutes as I took the dogs out and when I came back... I seen it. I couldn't believe my eyes so I woke up Scott just for that "2nd opinion" - now, I'm going to call the doctor's office first thing this morning and see if they can get me in asap.... Especially since I have to be at work at 2:30pm. Here goes nothing!

Ok, so here' the word. I'm scheduled for the IUI at 2pm. Scott is scheduled to drop his "men" off to them at 1pm. I'm nervous & scared. We'll see what happens...

Well, we got the IUI done at 2pm -right on schedule! It wasn't very painful at all. No worse than a pap smear. The speculum hurt worst than anything. I didn't even feel the catheter go in!! I'm thankful for the prayers. I really felt them.

To read about IUI, I found a website with losts of info: http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html

CD18

Okay, so now I'm getting a little anxious.... I wanted to be able to do the IUI tommorrow but I don't know if it's going to happen or not. The line on the OPK is getting a little darker but not as dark as the test line... So, am I days away still from ovulating? What is my problem, here? The problem is that I work 1st shift and it's hard to work around my schedule. Plus, we've been training for a new computer program at work and I have to work on my day off, Tuesday this week. So, I'll probably get the positive on Tuesday and I can't get out of training... I'm so frustrated. I really wish that fertility just came natural for me. I wish I could be one of those that "took it for granted" just once. Some women just don't realize the miracle of fertility. I guess that's how it is with everything in this world. We all take things for granted. Everyone just has their own different things that they take for granted. Losing a baby has definitely opened my eyes. I'm forever changed by this experience. I never want to take anyone for granted. I'm guilty, I know.

CD17

CD17 - I made it to this day.... This is the actual day the doctor recommended for me to start testing. He was right. The line is a little bit darker than the other days but it's still not as DARK as the second line, which indicates ovulation in the next 24-36 hrs. I'm contemplating getting the IUI done on Monday. Where the doctor takes my husband's sperm, wash it by "spinning it", inserts it into a catheter, and then inserts it into me. I'm still debating - it's not anything I HAVE TO say YES to . . . but I have than option. I'm feeling anxous about it. I think anxious that something may go wrong with the baby again. I don't know how much more heartache I can endure. I know I'm not a lone in this world. The world of pregnancy loss. There are so many women who know this pain so well. I hate for anyone to have to go through it.

The Shack

You know... I couldn't help NOT blogging about this book, The Shack. Wow! Can I just say that it's awesome! If you have ever experienced a loss of any kind I would recommend you to read this book or recommend it to someone else.

In Great Sadness, God will find you. I still have 3 chapters left but I'm not a reader and the book can't even be put down. I'm reading it with my best friend. We're going to finish it together, even though she's already read it but she wants to finish with me. It's so good to know God is never disappointed in us. He has no expecations with us. He knew ahead of time what choices we were going to make. He always loves us no MATTER what. awww...

Get the book!

CD16

CD16- "Merry Christmas to All to All a Good Night"

CD16 has approached and I guess the doctor was right. I should of started on CD17 with the OPK. Just still getting that faint line. It's Christmas morning and I can't sleep. It's 2:30am. I have to get up for work in a couple of hrs. I'm nuts being up this early.

Of course, when I woke up and pee'd on the stick - I had a wave of sadness come over me all of a sudden. A sadness because we have no babies with us this year. Not our Dakota and not our baby we found out I was carrying on November 2nd. Our baby Dakota would have been a year old by now. He (or she) would have been old enough to open presents. The thought of that just makes my heart feel so empty sometimes.

I'm trying to stay focused on the future, 2010 and not to dwell on the past. I'm anxious to see what God has in plan for our lives.

CD15

CD15 - Dec 24, 2009 - First day I decided to start this blog. A certain journal-like to remember this infertility journey that my husband and I are on.

This is my story: On April 22, 2008 I found out I was pregnant after being married for almost 9 1/2 years and never getting pregnant. I was always the type of person who believed if God wanted to happen, then he would allow it. Out of the blue, I just didn't feel just "quite right" so I took a pregnancy test. I didn't even tell my husband because I had taken many tests in my early marriage and they were all negative so I didn't want to disappoint him by telling him it was negative. So, anyways... I took the test and it was POSITIVE and then I took another just to make sure. POSITIVE!! OMG! I was estatic! Immediately fear and anxiety overwhelmed me because I had a lot of health issues. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, Myasthenia Gravis AND Lupus. I called my OB doc and he got me into his office that day. The first thing he said to me was, "what we're you thinking, getting pregnant? you'll be lucky if we can get you through the day let alone this pregnancy." I thought, "oh great" then my husband was really scared. So, 2 days later I seen my baby in the ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along. I was sent to a specialist. One of the best in my area. He told me he had met women with all of my health issues but NEVER one woman with all of my health issues. I would have done anything to have a healthy baby. So, I had to start giving myself insulin shots in the stomach 4x's a day and my husband had to give me lovenox shots in my lovehandles (upper butt) area. I had many sonograms at the high risk doctor's office. The last ultrasound I seen was on May 28, 2008 when my baby was 11 weeks along. Our baby was waving at us and playing with its feet. My mom got to see the baby for the first time at that appointment. On June 13th (just 2 weeks later), I went to my regular scheduled doctors appointment and there my doctor told me that my baby's heart had stopped. He might as well have ripped mine out at that time. I was sent to the hospital and I was enduced. I had to go through the whole labor & delivery process to deliver my 13.2 week baby. On June 14, 2008 Dakota Jordan Toft (sex unknown) came into this world at 5:45 am. I will never forget my experience. On June 28, 2008 we laid our baby to rest.

Nov 2, 2009 : took a pregnancy test at work. It was positive. Nov 3rd my doctor ordered a blood test to find the results were only 17 and 2 days the levels were 14. Fri Nov 6, 2009 I was told my body was having a "spontaneous abortion". The 2nd baby I lost in 2 years. I was so upset that this happened to us AGAIN! My OB doctor referred to me an Reproductive Endocrinologist and that's how this journey is beginning.....

And now I am on this infertility journal again. Hoping and praying for a healthy full - term baby outcome.